An open letter to my baby on his first birthday:
To my little Finner,
On your first birthday I am feeling many emotions. The memories of the days leading up to your big debut, the events surrounding your birth, and the first few days spent with you on the outside are moments I hold so close to my heart that I think about them daily. The last year feels both like an eternity and a millisecond all at once and I am overwhelmed by the aw I feel when I think about it all.
One year ago today I held you in my arms for the first time. But so much more happened on that wonderful day. I remember standing by the window at three in the morning, looking at the stars, and rubbing your feet where they were steadily applying a painful amount of pressure to my right ribs. I said to you, "Chick, today is your birthday and I can't wait to meet you." I remember waiting an hour to wake your dad just to make sure that I was really in labour. I remember feeling excited and exhilarated with every contraction because I knew that there was a finite amount of them and with every one I was one step closer to seeing you. I remember sitting in a tub of water and saying, with a smile, "I'm going to meet my baby today!" I remember the confidence I felt in your dad as he calmly handled each hour, minute and second of that day and how he was so supportive and loving.
I remember the lights on our little Christmas tree, the sound of the vacuum, the taste of coconut water, the smell of Uta's soap, and every feeling felt.
I remember the way you looked at me with just your left eye open, and then both, like you knew me. At first, you were kind of floppy, like a rag doll, but soon you were nuzzling into me as if you knew I was where you belonged.
Some mothers pronounce their love at that moment. I loved you long before I met you and fell deeply in love with you some time after. I loved you before I knew you and I fell deeply for you once I got to know you.
I loved you when I looked at your father as a life partner. I loved you when he and I decided that the time was now; let's have a baby. I loved you when I lost "Bun." I loved you when I saw two pink lines become faint and then obvious as I stood patiently while sunlight streamed through cedars in our cabin in the woods. I loved you when I saw you wiggling at our first early ultrasound and again when I heard your calm and steady heartbeat at 12 weeks. I loved you when I saw your personality come alive during the ultrasound when you showed us your yoga moves. I loved your first kicks, stretches and hiccups that jolted me awake in the night and made me giggle during staff meetings at work. I loved you when I had no room left to give and ached to hold you in my arms rather than with my ribs.
I loved you the day I delivered you into this world and I fell in love with you more and more with every moment that followed. Every adorable yawn, curious gaze, smelly poop, communicative cry, and warm cuddle to follow caused me to fall deeper and deeper. Your smile, grin, giggle, precocious glance, and every growl, grunt, and laugh made me more sure of my devotion. Your calm, caring, curious and cautious personality, although fluid, has taught me many things about patience, compassion, perseverance, and trust and, of course, made me love you even more.
Because to know you is to love you and to love you is to know you.
So, on the anniversary of your arrival, I wish to acknowledge your birth but also the birth of a mother, a father, and a family.
Your father's adoration, commitment and care of both you and I has been the backbone of this new family. Without his patience, his efforts to take care of me so that I could take care of you, and his undying desire to be a presence in our lives we would not be where we are today. He lights up at the sound of your name and the best part of his day is when you reach out for him with bright eyes and an "it's you!" grin.
I may be your mother but you are my teacher. In those early days I said to you, as you wailed on the change table, "Be patient, I'm new at this." Thank you for taking it slow with your student. I learn more everyday and, although I make mistakes, you seem to have boundless understanding and tolerance. Thanks to being your mother, I have more patience with myself and more compassion for others.
It's been one wonderful year. A year full of vibrating, gleeful, all-encompassing smiles. There were tears and there were messes but there were so many firsts, snuggles and cuddles, books read, kisses (at least a million), games played, walks taken, food eaten and thrown, and even some sleep. You have grown so much and I have grown with you.
Happy 1st Birthday Finlay! I love you and I look forward to loving you moment to moment, forever and ever.
Love Mama
This is a little out of focus but it was the first family photo. It was taken just moments after Finlay was born - his eyes are not even open yet!
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